Actual revolutionaries administer new revolutionary diet plan
SEATTLE, Wash., October 4, 2017 /TPRI/—Many diets bill themselves as revolutionary, but a new diet from the medical experts at The Procrastination Research Institute (TPRI) takes this claim more literally than most. Patients on the “Real Revolutionary” diet follow a strict caloric intake and exercise program administered 24/7 by actual revolutionaries and other soldiers reanimated from the dead.
Janice Smith, Executive Editor at Tillerson & Company, publishers of The Real Revolutionary Diet Plan and other self-help books, explained the diet’s origins. “We had already published many successful diet books, including The Low-Fat Revolution, The Paleo Revolution, and, more recently, The Low-Lectin Revolution. We typically leverage branding trends to disrupt the dieting industry, and were looking for the next panacea. ‘Revolution’ isn‘t just trending in politics—think Rand Paul and Bernie Sanders—it‘s always trending in the self-help industry. And what could be more disruptive than revolutionary soldiers?”
Many of the “Real Revolutionary” diet’s initial followers reported a difficult adjustment period, but were ultimately pleased with the results.
“When I first started the diet, I was terrified,” said Wilma Johnson from Poplar Grove, Virginia. “I couldn’t eat or sleep with that dead guy following me everywhere. He kept screaming at me that ‘real’ revolutions are horrendous, and that he didn’t die of a post-amputation infection at Gettysburg so that I could lie around eating processed food, surfing the Internet, and not voting. He forced me on a 500-mile march to his home town in upstate New York so he could finally ‘rest in peace’ there. No rest for me, though! I lost 20 pounds and cracked two teeth on the hardtack, but it’s okay—the pain is helping me keep the pounds off.”
Ray LeMonde from Des Moines, Iowa, was assigned a Russian soldier from the Crimean War. “He had a bayonet and kept shouting, ‘Вернись! Не тратьте эту пищу! В Крыму голодают дети!’ I think that means something like ‘Run for your life, fatty!’ I lost 30 pounds in one month. Totally worth it!”
Not all patients were happy with the diet, though. Dorothy McClaren of Albuquerque, New Mexico, said that her soldier, a 17-year old boy killed by a Hessian mercenary at the Battle of Trenton, didn’t understand why she wanted to lose weight. “He said that I had a ‘pleasing countenance and a womanly figure’ and would receive many offers of marriage.” McClaren grunted in disgust. “Oh my god! He was so creepy! After I lost 10 pounds he actually looked sad and told me that I had lost my ‘bloom.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”
Dr. Crystal Small, who says she holds a Ph.D. in archaeology from a prestigious unaccredited university and is the author of the diet‘s companion book, The Real Revolutionary Diet Plan, as well the best-selling The Tapeworm Diet Revolution, said that the Real Revolutionary diet works because it “helps patients connect with their inner warrior, finding the strength to fight for the body and the life they deserve.”
Medical experts, however, roundly criticized the diet, citing ethical, medical, and safety concerns, and cautioned that a thorough physical exam is essential before undertaking any significant weight-loss plan. The FDA (Food and Drug Administration) acknowledged that several testers have filed complaints with the agency, but the FDA would not comment further, citing patient confidentiality.
Meanwhile, TPRI is under review by the EPA for potentially mishandling dangerous chemicals in the reanimation process. Dick Cheney, a TPRI subcontractor in charge of Undead Operations, disputes such claims, stating that TPRI had “definitely not” dumped an unstable mixture of Red Bull, Clamato, and Jaegermeister into Puget Sound. Cheney stated, “We adhere strictly to good manufacturing processes in our reanimation labs. Unfortunately, onerous FDA and EPA regulations are creating significant obstacles to efficiency, making it harder for us to create more good-paying jobs for both living and reanimated workers.” Anonymous sources at TPRI said that Cheney expected the EPA and FDA, with Scott Pruitt and Dr. Scott Gottlieb as their respective new administrators, to ease the regulatory burden soon.
When reached for comment, EPA Administrator Pruitt said that he could not discuss pending cases. However, he did say that he, his wife, and his two children had become particularly fond of their dead soldier, Regulus, a young man who perished in the First Punic War in 254 BCE. Scott Pruitt was eager to emphasize that Regulus had not violated any immigration laws, including the Travel Ban. “We want to be very clear that Regulus was a Roman soldier, from an area within present-day Italy. He wasn’t one of those Carthaginians. And I have no comment on whether Cheney’s raising a militia of the undead.”
Marilyn Pruitt said, “Regulus has been a great addition to the family. He’s a good role model for the kids and helps them do their Latin homework. But, oh my goodness, he said he’d kill us if we brought any junk food into the house! Gosh, he’s such a kidder!” Pruitt laughed, and then, on a more serious note, added, ”We do worry about safety, though. That rusty old sword he carries everywhere makes me awfully nervous. Thank goodness Scott is helping him learn to use modern, semiautomatic firearms.”
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